RE4: Well, Isn't That Special!
by Snow Puff
Summary: Between Hunnigan getting pissed, Dr. Salvador and his amazing chainsaw, and the authoress tagging along for the ride, Leon's latest mission isn't going too well... Chapter 3 dash 1 Up!
1. Chapter 1 dash 1

Disclaimer: Anything that belongs to anyone is not mine, including (but not limited to): Resident Evil 4, iPod, and any other copyrighted object I may decide to use in this fic. I am making no money off of this so if you sue me, you'll spend about $4050 on a lawyer to gain the $7.82 that I own. It's not really worth it.

Okay, I think that covers any and all bases, so I should be in the legal clear of things.

Now that my uber disclaimer is out of the way, let me just say real quick that I'm not giving up on How To, I just wanted to do something different, so I did a parody because I've never done one before, and I'm always up for trying new things. And plus, my sense of humor is twisted enough to really f-up the game. I've decided to make this a self-insert is shot, but trust me when I say, I won't be a Mary-Sue in any way, shape, or form. There's nothing I believe in more than my own imperfections. They're what make me cool, why correct them? Don't worry about a romantic relationship between me and Leon, either. Are you kidding? Eww! Anyway… **START FIC**!

_**Chapter 1-1:**_

_Waiter, There's a Finger in My Soup_

_

* * *

_

'_1998…_' Leon Scott Kennedy (but for the sake of space, we'll call him Leon from now on) thought with a sigh. '_I'll never forget it…_'

_**Flashback**_

Leon sat in a fancy looking restaurant with a bowl of soup in front of him. A human finger floated to the surface of the broth, and Leon grimaced at the severed appendage. "Waiter?" he asked looking around quizzically. A greenish skinned zombie wearing a waiter's outfit walked over to Leon's table. "Waiter, there's a finger in my soup." With a horrible groan, the zombie-waiter picked the finger out of the soup and re-attached it to his hand. The zombie-waiter then proceeded to gnaw on Leon's ear. "Whoa, **buddy**. I don't swing that way," the ever-oblivious Leon said, not realizing that the waiter was a zombie and thus had a taste for human flesh. He wasn't gay; he was just hungry.

_**End Flashback**_

'…_For all intents and purposes, Umbrella was finished… Six years have passed since that horrendous incident._'

* * *

Leon sat in the backseat of a very old and very run-down cop car. He was bobbing his head slightly as he listened to his iPod. "Yo, **amigo**!" Cop one (who's real name was Roger), said, hitting Leon on the knee, considering the American wasn't paying attention.

"Whoa, **buddy**. I don't swing that way," Leon said taking his headphones out of his ears.

"…I don't either…" Roger said raising an eyebrow.

"Then stop feeling me **up** you sicko!" Leon shouted at the poor, confused obviously Spanish (but Capcom doesn't want us to know that so shhhhhh…) cop.

"So, Americano. Who are you, really?" The second cop (named Billy-Bob-Joe) said.

"The muffin-man," Leon said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, ha, ha," Billy-Bob-Joe said. "Look you might think you're all cool because you're saving the President's daughter and you know a hot girl who likes red, but you are **so** not."

"What the fuck **ever**!" Leon said crossing his arms and pouting like a five-year-old.

"Hey Roger," Billy-Bob-Joe said to the other cop. "Pull over, I've got to take 'The Wiz'."

"Omigod!" Roger said, his voice suddenly much higher. "You are **so** gay!"

"I know, right?"

For the first time this entire trip, Leon got a good look at the two cops who were escorting him. They were both wearing a lot of make-up and dresses. "Ahhhhhhh!" Leon screamed. "I thought you said you didn't swing that way!"

"I don't," Roger said turning around. "I'm a girl. I'm a **pretty**, **pretty** girl."

"**Oh**, **God**!" Leon said running out of the car as fast as he could.

* * *

After running across a long wooden bridge, Leon turns around, panting for breath. '_Thank God. Those transvestites won't get me here! Ha!_' Leon, however, thought too soon, as the cop car started driving across the bridge, its headlights shining right in Leon's face. The car drove right at Leon, who started running again. The car stopped and Leon hid behind a tree as the pair of transvestites stepped out of the car. "Aw… Roger… He got away…" Billy-Bob-Joe said.

"That's okay. We can just make out in the car instead!" Roger said, both he and Billy-Bob-Joe then stepped back into the car.

As Leon walked down the path, the heard his radio screech its familiar and somehow soothing cry. "Leon, I hope you can hear me. I'm Ingrid Hunnigan. I'll be your support on this mission," Leon's new support agent said. Leon was rarely ever thankful for things, but in this rare occasion, he was thankful that he had just been given a GRVT Visual Radio. The woman on the other end couldn't have been much older than 20, with dark brown hair tied back in a neat bun and deep grey eyes hidden behind thin red-framed eye-glasses.

"Loud and clear, sweetheart," Leon said, flashing his best smile. "Somehow I thought you'd be a little older, but I'm really glad you're not. So, when I come back from this mission, you wanna go out for some fusion Tai food?"

"That would be a very big negative, Leon," Hunnigan said. "I don't date men."

"So what? We can get together with your girlfriend and have a nice little threesome," Leon said, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"Touch me and die." With that, Hunnigan turned off the radio, leaving Leon to fend for himself. For now, at least.

'_She **so** digs me…' _Leon thought as he walked up to an old, run down house.

* * *

Inside the house, three very frightening looking men watched Leon through a partially boarded up window.

"Shit!" the shortest of the three said. He couldn't have been much taller than three feet in height, as he was straining to see out of the window. He was wearing 18th century-esque clothing in a royal blue and gold color. His pale skin completely clashed with the white hair he had tied back with a blue ribbon. To be perfectly frank, he looked like Napoleon and Chucky's lovechild.

"We need to get the hell out of here," the tallest said. He stood at over seven feet tall and was currently wearing a large leather jacket accentuating his gargantuan size. He had a long, tangled beard but was bald on the top of his head. One of his eyes had a yellowish color to it and a red iris, and it bulged from his skull slightly, obviously fake. More or less, he looked like Rasputin ran with scissors as a child and his parents were too cheep to get a good looking glass eye.

The two that had just spoken looked to the third and obviously the leader of this small group. The leader had brown hair, and he was starting to bald a little. He wore a long purple robe with a large gold decoration accenting the front of it. He held an odd looking staff that seemed organic, as it wiggled and twitched a little bit. How old this man was, it was hard to determine. But it is assumed that he's somewhere in the 'I thought all you dinosaurs died' range. "You're both absolutely right. Knuckles," he said looking at the tallest, "get the girl. Chuckles," he looked at the shorter, "get the car-keys, **we're moving out**!"

"Saddler," 'Chuckles' said. "What the fuck are you talking about? We don't have a car!"

"And," 'Knuckles' said, "the girl's at the church."

But this Saddler character wasn't going to let something as pointless as these petty little details ruin his grand speech. "Just shut **up** and come **on**!" he shouted pushing his two companions through the back door. "Morons," he mumbled as the trio quickly stumbled through the forest to get away from the American agent currently walking into the house.

* * *

Leon walked into the house, finding a poor man doing something with his fireplace. "Excuse me, sir?" The man turned to face Leon and slowly walked toward him. "I was wondering if you've seen the girl in this photograph." Leon pulled out a naked picture of Ada. "Whoops!" Leon said blushing, quickly putting the picture of Ada away. "Wrong picture. I was wondering if you've seen the girl in **this** photograph." This time, Leon successfully pulled out Ashley's picture.

The man looked at the photo and said, "Oh, yes, I have seen her before. Here let me take you to her." Of course, the man was speaking Spanish and even though Leon actually took Spanish in college, he never really paid attention in that class.

_**Flashback**_

"Hola," a busty blond teacher wearing a low -cut shirt said to her class, made up of mostly male students, "means 'hello' in Spanish." Leon looked at his Spanish teacher. Because he was sitting in a high seat, he could see right down her shirt. '_Thank you, Jesus._'

_**End Flashback**_

"**Infected scum**!" Leon shouted as he shot the man in the chest multiple times. The 'infected scum' fell to the ground, dissolving into a bubbly mess.

"**Eww**!" Leon cried. "It's **everywhere**!"

* * *

Leon walked to the near-by village, killing any locals that he saw along the way. Walking through a gate, he got another call from Hunnigan. "Are you dead yet?" she said harshly.

"Not yet. But one of the two transvestite cops that brought me here is impaled and being burned in the center of the village," Leon said completely normally.

"Sucks to be him," she said, shrugging.

"Yeah. It sure does," Leon said. "Anyway. I've got to go and shoot more people now, so I'll see you later gorgeous."

"Men…" Hunnigan mumbled as she hung up with considerably less force than before.

* * *

Leon had fought his way through the village valiantly so far, if you don't count the scratches he had from pitchforks, knives, axes, sickles, and chickens that were apparently on the villagers side. Figuring it was a good idea to hide inside of a house, Leon ran into the biggest house in the village, as the unmistakable sound of a chainsaw starting up sounded in the background. "Great. A chainsaw," Leon said stoically. He then proceeded to fall on the ground crying like a baby screaming, "I don't like these people! They're worse than the French!"

Dr. Salvador, broke the door to his house with his chainsaw but upon seeing the pathetic little American crying on the floor, he felt something change within him. And what happened then...? Well...in Pueblo they say that Dr. Salvador's small heart grew three sizes that day!

And then Leon shot him in the chest with a shotgun he had found upstairs. Repeating this measure every time the good doctor tried to say that he had changed, Leon soon killed him and moved on to the regular villagers. Because, c'mon, who's going to argue with a guy who has a shotgun? Suddenly, the bell from the church on the hill started ringing and all the villagers forgot all about trying to murder Leon.

Leon scoffed as he said to himself, "Where's everyone going? Bingo?"

"No! You, jackass!" a disembodied voice shouted to the agent. "They're going to church!'

"Who the hell are you? And **where** the hell are you?"

"**I am the almighty and ever-powerful Snow Puff**!" The disembodied voice shouted. "And I'm right behind you." Leon turned around, ready to shoot this Snow Puff chick, but he soon saw that she was virtually harmless. She looked like she was 16 years old. She had dark brown hair tied back in a messy-pony tail and dark brown eyes that had a mischievous glint to them. She wore a simple black tank-top with a pair of dark jeans that seemed a little too big on her. In her hand, she held a single pen.

"How the hell did you do that?" Leon said raising an eyebrow.

"I'm the authoress. I can do whatever I want," Snow Puff said with a shrug.

"You mean as long as you've got that pen," Leon reached out and grabbed the pen from her hand, and before she had a chance to react, Leon snapped the pen in half.

"Are you **insane**?" she shouted, terror rising on her face.

"Are you? Better yet, are your parents? I mean, who names their kid that…" Leon said smugly.

"It's a **nickname**, you dork!" she said rolling her eyes. "My real name's Katrina. I'd prefer if you called me that, anyway…"

"What are you doing in a place like **this**?" Leon said simply.

"I was writing this story to make sure you came out of it alive, but you kinda fucked that up. (Good job, by the way.) Now, I guess I'm along for the ride," Katrina said with a sigh.

"Do you know how to use a gun?" Leon asked.

"Is the Space Pope reptilian?" Katrina said with a smirk.

* * *

Luckily for the both of them, Leon had brought an extra handgun along with him "just in case". The duo had made their way through a farm, killing off any villagers that got in their way.

Katrina might have known how to use a gun, but apparently she had missed the lesson on how to **aim** it. Nearly every shot she fired, she missed, and the few that did hit, didn't do much, so Leon ended up doing most of the killing and Katrina only shot (at) people when Leon was reloading his guns. The rest of the time, she stayed well out of his way, lest she get shot.

They had just re-enacted a particular scene from Indiana Jones, and they found out that in life or death situations, they were both very, very fast.

Currently, they two of them were fighting off a group of villagers who seemed to have learned the art of throwing dynamite at people they didn't like. And damn, they were good. "**Holy shit**!" Katrina shouted as a stick of dynamite exploded a little too close for comfort. She was in the fetal position hiding behind a tree, as Leon stood over her, shooting at the villagers wielding dynamite. As Leon had killed the last villager, Katrina buried her head in her hands and started shaking.

"What's wrong with you?" Leon the amazingly tactful said.

"I wish I was home… I hate it here… I want to go home…" Katrina mumbled, shivering slightly.

"Don't worry about it; you'll be home soon enough, I swear. All I need to do is rescue Ashley, then a helicopter will come to pick us up and everything will be fine," Leon said giving the young girl a reassuring smile, helping her off the ground. Leon's smile was so reassuring and so convincing, that Katrina completely forgot that she had beaten the game three times and that it simply wasn't that simple.

The pair walked into the only locked house in the clearing they were in. Leon kicked the lock off the door and Katrina kicked the door open, brandishing her handgun, just in case there was a villager in the house. Seeing no one, she put the gun down and walked into the house. Leon walked into the second and seemingly only other room in the house. "Seems like nothing else is here," he said. "C'mon Kat, let's move on."

"First off," Katrina said firmly, "don't, under** any **circumstances, call me 'Kat'. Secondly, there's something behind this book shelf; help me move it out of the way."

"You're crazy, but fine. Whatever," Leon said pushing on the wooden structure, revealing another hallway.

"Told you," Katrina said smugly. The two of them walked down the hall, constantly hearing a banging sound that, quite honestly, scared Katrina to all hell. They reached another room that only contained a cabinet, and someone, or something, was banging on it from the inside.

"Let's see what that is," Leon said walking towards the cabinet.

"Be my guest," Katrina said with a sarcastic chuckle.

Leon stood next to the cabinet, with Katrina cowering behind him, as he opened one of the doors. A man with his arms and legs tied and his mouth bound with tape fell out of the newly opened door. Leon knelt down next to the man (that Katrina immediately recognized as Luis Sera) and took the tape off his mouth. "A little rough don't you think?" Luis said sarcastically. As Leon turned him over, starting to untie his arms, Luis asked very seriously, "You're… not like them?"

"No," Leon said starting on his legs. "You?"

"No. How 'bout her?" Luis said gesturing to Katrina who was still cowering.

"Na. I'm clean," Katrina said, relaxing slightly.

"Okay. I have only one, very important question. You got a smoke?" Luis said with a small smirk.

"Got gum," said Leon, shrugging. Luis turned his attention to Katrina.

"Don't look at me!"

A pair of villagers followed by a seven foot tall man entered the room.

"Perfect," Luis said. "The big cheese."

"What?" Leon said before throwing a spinning back kick at the chief's chest. The chief caught Leon's foot before it made contact and threw him onto Luis, destroying the cabinet, and knocking both of the men out.

The chief walked towards Katrina who was trying her hardest to melt into the wall, although at the moment she was failing and miserably. "Stay back!" She shouted, pointing her gun at the chief. "Don't make me shoot! Cuz I **so** will! I'm **crazy**!" The chief merely grabbed a pressure point on her shoulder, making her fall unconscious.

* * *

Okay, I really like the writing style I chose for this, so I'm definitely going to continue with it. I think I'm going to have a lot of fun with this fic. I can't believe that this chapter is a little over 3000 words. It's mind boggling. Anywho… As usual, drop me a review.

Peace out!


	2. Chapter 1 dash 2

I'm back with another chapter! Yay! This chapter isn't as funny as the last one, but I hope it won't be too serious. Anyway, it's time to start the show!

_**Chapter 1-2**_

_What's the Harm?_

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* * *

_

"Feeble humans," a voice said hauntingly in the darkness. Leon and Katrina were still out cold, each strapped to a medical chair. "Let us give you our power…" Footsteps were heard, followed by a startled sound. "Oh, my," the voice said. "I've seemed to have injected myself… Ah, well what's the harm in another parasite?"

"Um… Saddler…" A high and heavily accented voice said to the first. "There's a giant eyeball in your mouth."

"Oh… I guess that's the harm." A long pause with many anime sweatdrops ensued. "Salazar, get me another serine." The second voice obviously complied as the pair felt a small twinge of pain in their necks, followed by an odd lump getting shoved into it. The voice laughed as his faithful servants looked shockingly embarrassed to know him. "Soon, you will become unable to resist this...intoxicating power."

* * *

Leon's eyes snapped open. He looked around franticly. He was in another room than the one he got his ass kicked in. He tried standing, but he quickly realized that he was tied to the guy he had just rescued and his new 'partner', Katrina. "Hey. Hey. Wake up," Leon said to them, nudging them a bit as he did so.

"Was I dreaming?" Katrina said tiredly. Realizing that, no, she wasn't dreaming, she was still in her RE4 parody, she sighed and mumbled, "Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore…" '_Let's see…_' she thought as she tried to remember what happened next. She was shocked to find that even though she had beaten the game several times, she couldn't remember a thing. '_This is just perfect! I know I've beaten it… I remember being really happy afterwards… But I don't remember anything other than what just happened… This is really crappy. What's this guy's name? I know I know it but…_'

Luis came to a few seconds later. "Ai yi yi…" he mumbled. "Crawl out of one hole, and into another…"

"You want to tell me what's going on here?" Leon said looking as best he could at Luis.

"Yeah!" Katrina said, back to her old loud self. "We want answers and we want them now!"

"Americanos, si?" he said to the two of them. "Now what brings a pair of blokes like you to this part

of the world?" As Leon started struggling with the ropes. Katrina let out a small cry of pain. "Easy, whoever you are," Luis said with a similar sound.

"My name's Leon," he said reaching into his back pocket to find the picture of Ashley. Before handing Luis the picture, Leon gestured to his current companion and said, "She's Katrina, by the way."

Somehow, Leon managed to show the picture to Luis. "What, are you supposed to be a cop or something?" Luis said with a snicker. "Nah, you don't look the type. And she definitely doesn't." Katrina just remained silent.

"Maybe…" Leon said. Katrina noticed that he was musing about something that she thought she knew, but just couldn't remember.

"Okay, Let me guess," Luis said looking up at the ceiling with something that looked very close to guilt. "She's the President's daughter?"

"That's too good for a guess," Leon observed, eyebrow raised. "Want to start explaining?"

"Psychic powers," Luis whispered mysteriously, immediately, he went back to the old Luis and with a small laugh said. "Nah, just kidding with you, amigos. I overheard one of the villagers talking something about

the President's daughter in the church."

"And who might you be?" Leon asked skeptically.

"Me llamo Luis Sera. I used to be a cop in Madrid. Now I'm just a good-for-nothing guy, who happens to be quite the ladies' man." Katrina scoffed quietly at his last comment.

"Why'd you quit?" She asked, having the strangest feeling of déjà vu.

"Policia..." Luis said scoffing. "You put your life on the line, no one really appreciates you enough for it. Being a hero isn't what it's cracked up to be anymore."

"Used to be cop myself," Leon said. "Only for a day though…"

"I thought I was bad," Luis said with a sarcastic grin.

" Somehow I managed to get myself involved with the incident in Raccoon City, on my first day in the force…"

"That is the incident with the viral outbreak right? I think I might have seen a sample of the virus in the lab at my department…"

The two men weren't paying attention to what was going on around them, and at just the perfect moment, Katrina looked up from the ground and shouted as loud and as panicked as she could muster, "AXE!"

The two men turned their heads at the source of Katrina's outburst, seeing a bloody villager with a very, very big axe. "Do something, cop!" Luis said, panicking.

"After you!" Leon said back to him.

"It doesn't matter who does something, just do it!" Katrina shouted. The villager raised his axe high above the trios heads and started to bring it down on both of them.

"Now!" Leon shouted to the other two and at his signal, Luis and Leon moved apart and Katrina (as best she could) dived out of the way so she wouldn't get sliced in half. Because that would be bad. That would be very bad because then this fic would just stop and so would all her others.

The villager pried his axe from the floor and advances on Leon. Leon

kicked him into the wall, breaking his neck upon falling on

the ground. Luis ran out of there as fast as he could. "You coward!" Katrina shouted after him. "How dare you leave a lady alone in a place like this! You're no lady's man! You're a fraud!"

Leon picked up his radio and called Hunnigan. "Hey babe," he said suavely. "It's Leon. Sorry I couldn't get in touch sooner but I was a bit tied up"

"You're okay, right?" she asked him, sounding sympathetic for once.

"I'm fine," Leon said shrugging.

"Damn."

"There was a male civilian held captive. According to him, Ashley's in a church somewhere."

"What happened to him?"

"He managed to escape…"

"Like the little pussy that he is!" Katrina shouted to the radio.

"Leon, who the hell is that?" Hunnigan said furrowing her bow in a way that Leon would describe as 'sexy'.

"That's Katrina. She's a writer," Leon said with a sigh. "She's a bit of a psycho, but she can defend herself well enough."

"What is she doing with you?"

"I broke her magic pen, or whatever, and now she's stuck here with me."

"Riiiiight… Just find Ashley. I think there's a way to the church from the village. Head back that way," Hunnigan said hanging up before Leon got a chance to hit on her anymore.

As the duo left the house, a man with a British accent said to them "Over here, stranger. Got something that might interest you." The pair found out that he was a Merchant, specializing in a small black market for weaponry in that area. Leon and Katrina decided that they should buy a rifle while they were here. Putting all of the funds they had collected along the way together, the rifle was now theirs. They thanked the man and walked through the large metal gate…

* * *

After fighting their way past a very large group of insane villagers, Katrina and Leon were relieve for a little bit of R and R… Even though it would only last about five minutes. "So…" Leon said putting some First Aid Spray on a nasty looking gash on his arm. "I wanted to say that I was sorry for breaking your magic pen…"

"It's no problem," Katrina said while rubbing a local herb over a pitchfork wound.

"I know, but… You wouldn't be here if I hadn't broke it."

"I don't really mind being here, it's kind of cool seeing the game from the inside… I just…" She sighed.

"What?"

"One of the laws of fanfiction state that you could immediately loose your license if your Uber Author Pen v3.79 (standard issue) gets lost, stolen, broken, burned, snapped in half, etc. So once I get back, I won't be allowed to write anymore…"

"I'm sorry. I didn't know that I would do all that."

"That's not what's really bothering me though… I could still write, I just wouldn't be able to show or tell anyone. The real issue is that one of my teachers at OFU told me that if you are doing a self-insert and your pen gets lost, or what-have-you, you'll be trapped forever in that fic… And not as an all-knowing author… It's already started happening to me… I can't remember what's supposed to happen next…"

Seeing Katrina's eyes tear up a little, Leon gave her a smile and helped her off the ground. "Don't worry," he said. "You'll get home somehow. I know you will. But for right now, we need to save Ashley."

"You're right…" Katrina instantly pepped up and with a wide grin she started walking away from Leon. "Let's go!"

* * *

Fighting the dynamite wielding villagers a second time was considerably easier and (for Katrina) considerably less frightening. She even managed to kill one of the villagers. Saps for Katrina!

"C'mon Leon!" Katrina said as she ran forward, thankful to not be underground. She should have watched her step, however, as she stepped directly into a bear trap. Screaming in pain, she looked at the rusty metal spikes clamping down on her leg. Leon ran up to her (careful to avoid the other two traps) and pried it off of her.

"You okay?" Leon said. Katrina looked paler than usual, as she looked at some blood stain her pants. "Can you walk? Let me help you up." Leon grabbed her by the arm and lifted her onto her feet, the instant he let go, she stumbled. "I'll carry you then."

"It's okay… I'm fine…" Katrina said, swallowing a painful gasp. "No need… I don't want to be dead weight…" Not accepting 'no' for an answer, Leon picked Katrina up in his arms and walked up to the large house in front of them. With a painful smile, Katrina mock-screamed, "I need an adult! I need an adult!"

"Don't worry. I've got some First Aid Spray. Once we get in this house, I'll use some of it for your leg." Leon said walking up the narrow staircase in the house. They reached a large stone door that seemed to be the only entrance to the house. "How the hell are we supposed to open it? It doesn't have any sort of handle…" Leon growled.

Katrina looked into the aqua colored orb in the middle of the door. There was a weird metal design in it. On either side of the orb there was the same symbol that she had seen on the flags in the valley and on the door into the church. She ran a hand over the blue crystal and found out that it moved. "Leon! I've got it!" She rolled the orb up a bit and then left. The door opened as soon as the metal design inside it matched the strange insect-esque symbol.

The duo walked into the house, into a bedroom with a portrait of an old guy in a purple robe and some other such bedroom furniture. In a partially opened suitcase, Leon and Katrina found the Insignia Key (which , coincidentally, matched the strange symbol that Katrina saw everywhere, and walked through the door…

* * *

I am done with chapter two/ Don't forget to please review.

What? I like to rhyme…

Peace out!

* * *


	3. Chapter 1 dash 3

Bad news everyone; I might be moving to Ohio. Fucking OHIO! So, if everyone would be willing to pray that my mom doesn't get this gay-ass job, I would love you all forever. I'm an atheist and I'm suggesting prayer. Damn, I must be really desperate… But seriously, I don't want to have to move again… I already moved from NYC down to Miami, I don't want to have to make the transition from Miami to Hick-Ville… So please, my uber readers, just send a little prayer my way, okay?

_**Chapter 1-3**_

_He Has Type AB Positive, Too?  
_

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* * *

_

"Okay, this might sting a little," Leon said after setting Katrina down on the bed.

"Something tells me it won't be quite as bad as the wound itself," Katrina said with a smirk.

"Roll up your pant leg for me, will you?" Leon said, getting out a can of First Aid Spray and shaking it for a few seconds. He uncapped the bottle as Katrina pulled her jeans away from her bear-trap wound. He held her leg in place as he applied the spray to her wound. She gasped in pain, as her skin started re-growing. "There. That wasn't so bad now was it? Think you'll be able to walk now?"

She stood up and with a smile and a nod, "'Course I can, Leon. Let's go!"

* * *

As the duo walked out into the hall, they heard voices speaking Spanish from downstairs. Leon and Katrina felt something behind them. Something big. Whirling around, they saw that the village chief was back to kick their asses again. Leon tried to kick him (because he didn't learn the first time around) and Katrina tried to run. Mendez grabbed him by the throat and her by the leg and hoisted them both into the air. "Hmm…" he mumbled as he saw their eyes turn red for a moment as they struggled against his hugeness. "You carry the same blood as us, it seems. Nevertheless, you're an outsider. Just remember, if you become a nuisance to our eyes, you face severe consequences." The chief dropped them both on the floor and left.

"What? Same blood?" Leon said, gasping for air.

"He has type AB positive, too?" Katrina said obliviously.

* * *

"Leon. I've been able to get some new info that might help you," Hunnigan said, after Leon picked up his radio.

"Fill me in, hot stuff," he said back to the other agent.

"Apparently, there's a religious cult group involved. They're called the Los Illuminados," Hunnigan said, gritting her teeth.

"Los Illuminados? That's a mouthful," Leon said, raising an eyebrow.

"It means 'the enlightened' in Spanish," Katrina said piping up.

"Anyway, I've had an unexpected run-in with the big cheese of this village," Leon said, rubbing his neck.

"But you're okay, right?" Hunnigan said, slightly worrying. '_If this little bastard dies and gets me fired, I swear to God, I'll – _'

"Yeah… But he could have killed me, but he let me live… And he mentioned something about me carrying the same blood as them. Whatever that means," Leon said rolling his eyes.

"'Carrying the same blood…'" Hunnigan said, narrowing her eyes inquisitively. "Hmm… Interesting…"

"Anyway, there are more important things than solving riddles right now," Leon said, looking at the doorway that Mendez disappeared into.

"You're right. Hurry and find that church, Leon," Hunnigan said, hanging up.

* * *

Okay, kids. It's time for another "Good Idea, Bad Idea".

Good idea: Finding out what 'Carrying the same blood' means.

Bad idea: Pursuing someone who's seven feet tall and doesn't seem to like you very much.

While Hunnigan had a good idea, Leon and Katrina had a bad one.

Big mistake.

As soon as the two re-entered the bedroom, Mendez attacked the duo once again. Mendez knocked Katrina over the bed and into the wall, dazing her as she landed on the ground. Leon franticly fired a shot from his handgun, hitting a nearby really scary looking portrait in the forehead. As Leon landed on the ground, Mendez planted a foot on top of Leon's chest, pinning him to the ground.

Gunfire erupted from behind Mendez, striking the chief in the back. Mendez turned around and saw a woman in a red dress hanging from a grappling gun outside. In her other hand, she held a smoking gun. Mendez turned away from Leon and charged towards the window. The woman pulled the trigger of her grapple gun, sending her out of harm's way as Mendez crashed through the window. "Wow," Katrina said, recovering from her daze. "What a moron."

* * *

After walking for a long while, not to mention fighting many more villagers, including another Dr. Salvador (who caused Katrina to scream very, very loudly), Leon and Katrina were back at the village. They were in no mood (or shape) to fight, so they ran as fast as they could to the church and unlocked it using the Insignia Key.

* * *

They followed a long series of tunnels to reach another Merchant. "'Ello, strangahs!" the Merchant said. Both Katrina and Leon noticed that his voice seemed a little higher pitched than before and he looked a little smaller. The Merchant noticed their odd looks. "You must've met my fatha before. I'm his oldest daughta, Mercer. He's letting me take over the family job because my older brotha got injected by Las Plagas."

"Oh. That explains a lot." She said, noticing some dark purple eye make-up the odd girl was wearing. Mercer couldn't have been much older than Katrina, but she certainly wasn't as short as Katrina. Or perhaps she was, and the large purple coat merely disguised it.

"I don't wanna have to call ya both strangahs all the time; what're yah names?"

"I'm Katrina, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mercer."

"Leon. You got any First Aid Spray?"

"Of course, I do!" Mercer said opening her coat, revealing that she was wearing a dress underneath it. Leon and Katrina paid for the valuable regeneration spray and immediately used a can each on themselves. "Thank you both very much; best of luck on your travels. I'm sure we'll see eachother very soon."

* * *

Leon and Katrina climbed a rickety looking ladder to reach a particularly creepy area: a graveyard. "Leon, look!" Katrina shouted, shooting a villager in the face. "A church! I'll bet that's where Ashley is!" 

"Probably," Leon said struggling against a villager that had grabbed him. Katrina shot the pesky thing and they both used the opportunity to run away from the villagers and up a hill to the church. Leon and Katrina took care of the remaining villagers and walked up to the church doors. "Perfect."

"How the hell do these people not have door handles on their **church**?" Katrina shouted up to the sky, wondering what kind of god would allow such a thing.

"Hang on, I'm calling Hunnigan; maybe she knows something," Leon said, picking up his radio. "Hey baby, it's Leon. The door's locked. I can't get in."

"Didn't they teach you how to pick locks at the academy?" Hunnigan said sarcastically, smirking the whole time.

"There's some sort of indentation like something might fit inside," Leon said with a sigh.

"Well, there's no use standing around," Hunnigan said, taking a sip of coffee. "Leon, you have to find some way or something to get inside."

Leon and Katrina followed Hunnigan's advice and started walking along the right path. They shot the villagers that tried attacking them as the duo ran along a bridge that had chunks missing and looked like the rest of it was about to fall apart as well. They had managed to reach the other side of the precipice alive and well (although Katrina was certain that she was going to have a heart attack).

* * *

Leon and Katrina looked around. They seemed to be in an arena of sorts with a large wooden fence surrounding the whole area. In the side of the cliff, there was a pair of gigantic doors. And there seemed to be a heavy breathing coming from behind those two doors. "Leon…" Katrina said uneasily. "I don't like this place. It gives me the creeps…"

"I know what you mean," Leon answered, inquisitively looking at the large doors. "But I kinda want to find out what that breathing is coming from."

"I don't. Anything that breathes so loud, can't be some thing we can handle with two handguns and a shotgun. Leon don't be dumb; if we don't have to fight it, why should we risk our necks?"

"I guess…"

* * *

"Oh shit." That pretty much summarized Leon and Katrina's trip so far, but especially now. They were looking onto a boardwalk rigged with explosives and villagers. "Can we just call the President and say 'Sorry Mr. President. We couldn't rescue your daughter but you sort of deserved it because you can't pronounce nuclear.'?"

"No Katrina, we can't. C'mon let's go."

"I don't want to die! I haven't had a chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort yet!"

"Let's go, you big baby." Leon picked Katrina up in his arms and started running as fast as he could. "You're going to need to shoot at anyone who gets too close."

"Got it," Katrina said cocking her gun. She shot at one of the explosives, killing a nearby villager. Leon kept running and Katrina kept shooting until they got to the end of the boardwalk. "Well… That was fun."

"For you. You're fatter than you look, y'know?" Leon said playfully grabbing his back as if he was in pain.

"Excuse you!" Katrina wasn't really insulted, she just really needed to yell at something at that moment.

* * *

Leon and Katrina looked out onto the lake. They saw something move in the lake. "What's that?" Katrina said raising an eyebrow.

Leon got his binoculars out of his attaché case. Using his binoculars, he spies a boat in the middle of the lake. "It's a boat… With two villagers in it." Inside the boat, the two villagers grabbed the body of the second cop and tossed it overboard. "Shit." The body floated for several moments until a huge salamander-like beast immerged from the depths of the lake and swallowed the cop whole. Katrina clasped her hands over her mouth to prevent herself from screaming. Her eyes were wide and glassy. "Don't worry, I won't let that thing get us," Leon said, patting her on the back. She responded by burying herself into his chest. He put his arms around the frightened girl and mumbled, "We'll be fine, I swear it."

* * *

The duo got into a decrepit wooden motor boat. Katrina was still shaking from a mix of fear and shock and Leon had a protective arm around her shoulder. "Don't worry, that thing didn't attack the villagers when they were out here, it won't attack us either."

Leon spoke far too soon.

Del Lago emerged from the lake in a geyser of water, nearly causing Leon and to fall out of the boat. The boat's anchor fell into the water and attached itself to Del Lago's back. Katrina screamed bloody murder as Leon grabbed a harpoon lying in the boat front end. '_God I hope this works…_' Leon thought as he threw the weapon at the large, ugly monstrosity. The spear embedded itself in the beast's skin, causing the thing to let out a horrific roar and its blood to spill into the water. Leon repeated this measure several times, carefully avoiding the floating trees Del Lago wanted Leon's boat to run into. Katrina had long ago decided to cower on the boat's floor while Leon fought this one. Del Lago let out one last roar of pain and defeat as it sunk down to its watery grave. Leon felt a slight tug on his leg, looking down he realized that in the fight, the anchor's rope must've become tangled around his leg and if he didn't do anything about it fast, he'd be pulled into the lake after Del Lago.

"Leon!" Katrina shouted, quickly becoming her old self once again. "Hand me your knife."

"Sorry, Kat," Leon said pulling his knife out of its holster. "I don't trust you with sharp, pointy objects." He started hacking away at the thick rope that was to be his demise. Just before he was dragged down into the depths, he managed to cut the last piece of rope around his leg.

"Whoever said you had earned the right to call me Kat?" Katrina said, raising an eyebrow and smirking.

"I assumed it's okay now that I mended your leg and held you while you were spazzing out."

"Yeah, yeah… Laugh it up, Leon." As the duo reached dry land once again, they both felt an odd excruciating pain in their abdomens. Katrina started coughing in dry painful heaves, blood following each cough and Leon soon followed suit. They both stumbled into a nearby cabin and promptly passed out onto the floor.

* * *

Wow. I'm making Katrina a real pansy, ain't I? Her personality is become less and less like mine as time goes on. Weird, considering she's me… Aw, well. As usual, please review and till next time…

Peace out!


	4. Chapter 2 dash 1

Sixty years later…

A little old lady hobbled over to her computer and wondered what it was that she had forgotten. 'I know it happened all those years ago…' she thought to herself as she logged onto her old fanfiction(dot)net account. "**_SHIT!_**" She screamed realizing that she had forgotten to update her Resident Evil 4 parody and even though Capcom had just finished making Resident Evil 9, she didn't care, and so, the little old lady sat down to write…

That's my excuse people: I turned into an old lady. Sorry it's been so long, though. I really meant to update this a while ago… Oy vey… But seriously though, here's the long over-due chapter that you've all been anticipating!

_**Chapter 2-1**_

_Go Check the Medical Dictionary for 'Veins' and 'Black'_

------

Katrina bolted up, realizing that she was inside a cabin. It was dark outside for one of two reasons, it was night or it was raining. She was figuring that it was a mix of both. Leon soon followed suit and woke up and took a quick look around. Katrina opened her mouth as if to say something, but instead she started to scream in pain. Leon reached a hand out for her, than quickly retracted it as he began to feel the same pain. Black, inky veins began to appear on the duo's arms as they both screamed. "Leon! Go check the medical dictionary for 'Veins' and 'Black'!" Promptly, two woke up.

------

Leon's communicator beeped and he involuntarily picked it up. "Leon. it's been 6 hours since our last transmission. I was starting to get worried," Hunnigan said as she looked at the agent with genuine concern.

"Don't you mean lonely?" Leon said, with a perverted smile and a wink.

"No, I don't." Hunnigan was still as relentless as ever.

"Anyway, me and Katrina started to feel dizzy. I guess we must have passed out."

"Passed out? Maybe it has some connection to what that village chief was saying…"

"I don't know. But we're okay now."

While Leon was talking to Hunnigan, Katrina had been looking around the cabin. The only thing of interest that she had found was a note:

'There is an important item hidden in the falls, if you are able to get it you might be able to get Ashley out of the church. But I'll warn you, the route to the church isn't a walk in the park by any means. They've developed what's called an "El Gigante" so God bless.

About what's been going on in your body, if I could help you, I would. But unfortunately it's beyond my power.'

It looked like it was written quickly, like the author had wanted to get out of there as soon as he could. '_An "El Gigante"? An "the giant"? Man, this guy sounds like a real idiot,_' Katrina thought, flaunting her D- in Spanish 4. "Hey, Leon. Check this out." She said handing the note to Leon, who quickly read it. "Think it's legit?"

"Nope, but I'm going to trust it anyway; it's the only lead that we have right now," Leon said putting the note in one of his pockets.

"I'll give you that one. So, to the falls?"

"To the falls."

-----

There were few things that could have made Leon and Katrina's current situation worse. A giant bug-mutant/blade-thing popping out of a villager's head was one of those things. "Holy Hell!" Katrina screamed as the thing grew closer to the pair of them. Leon, cool as a cucumber, aimed his 'borrowed' shotgun at the monstrous head and pulled the trigger. The thing died instantly and Katrina laughed a little and said, "Well, **I** could have done **that**!"

"True, but you were too busy screaming again."

"Shut up, **Mister Kennedy**!" Katrina said, accenting her voice semi-familiarly on the last two words. '_Where have I heard that voice before…_'

After a short and slightly uncomfortable silence, Leon started to laugh loudly. "Where the fuck did you get that voice from?"

Katrina started laughing once she realized how dumb she must have sounded. "I have no idea!" she said through her laughter. '_Or do I?_'

-----

After repelling down a rope, shooting more villagers with mutant heads, jumping over a rushing river, and shooting even more villagers, Leon and Katrina were tired, wet, slightly pissed off and in a creepy cave with candles and a dead end. "Leon, look!" Katrina said pointing at the now-familiar symbol that she recognized as the cult's insignia. Leon grabbed the round object from the wall, causing it to move. "Oh, snap!"

Leon rolled his eyes, silencing a small chuckle as he called Hunnigan. "We've obtained an object that resembles the cult's insignia."

"And by 'obtained', I'm assuming you mean 'stolen'?" Hunnigan said raising an eyebrow.

"Basically."

"Wonderful. Head back to the church – you need to make sure that Ashley is safe."

"You've got it, hot-lips."

-----

"Leon! Katrina!" the Merchant shouted, waving a gloved hand at the pair.

"Oh, hi, Mercer…" Katrina said, breathing a sigh of relief that it wasn't some villagers about to kill them.

"You remembered my name!" the delighted girl said with a grin. Well, the grin was assumed because half of her face was covered in a light blue handkerchief.

"Of course we did…" '_It's a pretty unusual name…_'

"Do you two need anything?" Mercer said, never taking the assumed grin off her face.

"Let's see…" Leon mumbled looking at the multitude of guns set behind her. "Katrina, what do you say to learning how to use a Tactical Machine Pistol?"

"A wha?"

"A TMP. It's a fully automatic select-fire 9 x 19 mm Parabellum caliber submachine gun manufactured by the Austrian company, Steyr Mannlicher."

"You lost me at 'a'."

"It's a gun that goes enh-enh-enh-enh-enh-enh-enh-enh!"

"Oh! I've gotcha! Yes, I would like one very much, please!" Katrina said, happy that she now knew that this TM whatever was a machine gun.

"Okay then, we'll spring for one of those, Mercer. And you know what, we'll take the stock for it too."

"Coming right up strangahs!"

-----

Leon and Katrina returned to the quarry area, where the two exits were promptly closed by a pair of villagers. The huge set of double doors, where the growly noises were coming from earlier, was now open and a group of several villagers was now dragging something (or, rather, trying to) out of the doors. The Ganados lost their grip and fall over. Then the monstrosity, known as El Gigante, came crashing through the doors and proceeded to kill every villager in the area. He tries to do the same to Leon and Katrina, but they luckily dodged the beast's attempt. "Any bright ideas?" Leon said, turning to Katrina for a brief second.

"Just one," she responded, quickly sprinting away from him and towards the large grey mass in front of them. It reached its huge hands down for the young girl, who dodged them by running between the monster's legs. She ran into one of the nearby shacks and grabbed as much TMP ammo as she could carry. "Leon! There are some herbs and things in these shacks! Grab as much as you can!" She shouted to him as she ran out of the little wooden building, which El Gigante quickly turned into a group of large splinters.

Leon listened to Katrina's advice and started collecting the valuable items inside of the shacks. Meanwhile, Katrina had started to get acquainted to her new weapon. She had already emptied one clip of bullets on the monster, and she was starting on her second one. Leon immerged from the last shack as a white wolf let out a resounding howl. "Hey!" Leon exclaimed happily. "It's that dog!"

"What dog?"

"I got it out of a bear trap earlier." The wolf jumped down from the ledge it was on and started barking to get El Gigante's attention. "Keep shooting it!" El Gigante roared in pain as it collapsed onto one knee. Leon ran forward, jumped on the thing's back and started slashing at a bug-like creature embedded in its back. El Gigante let out a miserable groan as it fell over, breathing its last breath.

Katrina let out a sigh. "That was fun."

-----

"Good doggies…" Katrina said uneasily as a pack of wolves advanced slowly toward the duo. "Bad doggies! Stay!"

One of them rushed at Katrina, murder in its blood-red eyes. With a well-aimed blast from his shotgun, Leon knocked the feral beast away. "Apparently, 'stay' doesn't work."

-----

After disposing of the wolves, 'our heroes' found themselves inside of the church. "Wow. Swanky," Katrina said with a low whistle.

The pair found a door on the church's second floor. Leon slowly opened it and saw Ashley Graham, the President's daughter, back away in fear. She quickly picked up a fairly small piece of wood and threw it at Leon at a surprising speed. Leon moved out of the way… Causing it to hit Katrina square in the face. "Ah! You mother-fucking bitch! Come here so I can kick your ass!"

Ashley yelped at the enraged girl's threat. "Get away!"

"Calm down, Kat! Everything's going to be just fine, Ashley. My name's Leon, I'm under the President's order to rescue you."

"What? My father?"

"No, moron! The **other** President!" Katrina said, rubbing her injured face.

Leon gave Katrina the 'Does Leon Kennedy have to smack a bitch' face and said to Ashley, "We have to get you out of here. Come with us." He quickly phoned Hunnigan and said to the bespeckled agent, "It's Leon. I've succeeded in extricating my subject."

"Good work, Leon," Hunnigan said thanking every god she could think of that he wasn't dead yet. "I'll send a chopper over right away."

"What's the extraction point?"

"There's another trail that you can take to get out of the village. The chopper will pick you up beyond there."

"Got it. We're on our way!" Leon said with a smile. "So, when we get back to the states, what do you say to diner?" Hunnigan rolled her eyes and got off the line.

-----

I know that chapter 2-1 actually ends after Saddler gets introduced, but I decided that that's going to be the start of chapter 2-2. So, yeah… And for all of you who are wondering, I actually can't say the phrase 'Mr. Kennedy' without accenting it. I must say I'm not bad at the accent, but our only male teacher this year happens to have the last name of 'Kennedy' so he probably thinks I'm mental or something. Some of the looks he gave me at the beginning of the year were simply priceless. As a matter of fact, let me turn it into a MasterCard commercial:

Resident Evil 4 – $50. Perfecting your 'Salazar Accent' – 3 months that should have been spent on summer reading. Physics books – $40. Seeing your physics teacher's face every time you call him 'Mr. Kennedy' – Priceless.

It's sort of sad, though. He's leaving after this year ends… I'll never get to use that accent at school again!

Peace Out!


	5. Chapter 2 dash 2

Well, I got this up slow as ever! Anyway, let's just start the show!

_**Chapter 2-2**_

_Are You Still Going to Try to Molest Us?_

--- ---

Katrina, Leon, and Ashley (Damn! Those little fuckers multiply, don't they?) ran towards the exit of the church before anyone came back from their lunch brake and attacked them. Leon and Katrina didn't exactly know how the hell they were going to get Ashley to defend herself if the time ever came, but somehow they both knew that thinking about it would be a wasted effort. A man standing at the alter stopped the trio in their tracks. He was wearing purple robes and carrying a staff that seemed to be wiggling. "I'll take the girl." His voice was commanding, but at the same time reasonably quiet.

"Who are you?" Leon demanded.

"If you must know, my name is Osmond Saddler, the master of this fine… Religious community."

"Hey," Katrina said, that mischievous glint in her eye aglow, "I know you aren't Catholic, but are you still going to try to molest us?" Leon smacked her in the arm to shut her up.

"Impudent child."

"I get that a lot, actually. But it's probably a lot kinder then the insults that you get, wrinkles."

"Katrina!" Leon cleared his throat and turned back to Saddler. "What do you want?"

"I want to demonstrate to the whole world our astounding power, of course. No longer will the United States think they can police the world forever."

"God bless America," Katrina said crossing her arms. "Now _I've_ got a question: Why'd you kidnap Ashley? _You're_ the only reason why I'm even in this mess!"

"We kidnapped the President's daughter in order to give her our power, and then send her back."

Ashley's eyes shot open slightly as she remembered someone injecting something into her neck. "No… Leon, I think they shot something into my neck!"

"We just planted a little… Gift. Oh, there's going to be one hell of a party when she returns home to her loving father."

"You sick bastard!" Katrina said, narrowing her eyes at Saddler as he laughed.

"But before that, I thought I might bargain with the President for some… Donations. Believe it or not, it takes quite a lot of money to keep this church up and running."

"Faith and money will lead you no where, Saddler," Leon said with a slight smirk.

"I think I forgot to mention, I gave you and your little friend the same gift."

"When we were unconscious…" Leon mumbled to himself.

"Oh, I truly hope you like our small, but special contributions. When the eggs hatch, you'll become my puppets. Involuntarily, you'll do as I say. I'll have total control over your minds. Don't you think this is revolutionary way to propagate one's faith?"

"Sounds more like an alien invasion to me!" Katrina shouted. A pair of monks in black robes appeared and aimed their crossbows at the trio. Leon grabbed Ashley and Katrina and they made a break for a window. The monks fired their crossbows, narrowly missing the trio. They crashed through the window and landed in the shed at the side of the church.

"You two okay?" Leon asked, after dusting himself off. Katrina gave him a thumbs up.

"Leon," Ashley said, her voice shaking, "what's going to happen to us?"

"Don't worry; we got into this mess, we can get out of it."

"That's what my mom said when she got engaged to my father." Ashley's eyes widened in fear, and Leon sent a dangerous glare her way. "What'd I say?"

--- ---

"Look Leon!" Ashley said pointing to a large wooden door in a remote corner of the village.

"It's a big-ass door, big-ass whoop!" Katrina said, rolling her eyes.

"I can climb over it if you give me a boost!"

"Good for you, ya stupid ho…" Katrina mumbled.

Leon gave Katrina a hard look and walked over to Ashley. "This might be a way out of the village. Think you could unlock it if you got to the other side?"

"Definitely, Leon," Ashley said with a dreamy look in her eyes.

'_Oh,** hell** no!_' Katrina thought. '_This **so** figures! I get stuck with a total ho who wants to get in Leon's pants. This is my luck!_' "**I'll** give you a boost!" Katrina blurted out. If Ashley thought that Leon was going to look up her skirt, she had something else coming.

"O… Kay…" Ashley looked slightly startled, but she was a (relatively) smart girl and didn't want to instill Katrina's anger again. Katrina gave Ashley a boost, allowing her to climb over and unlock the door. "I've got it!" Ashley said, opening the door.

"Hey, Ash, I've got a question…"

"What?"

"How can you stand wearing a thong?"

Ashley turned bright red but chose not to say anything.

--- ---

The trio walked towards a bridge, and almost immediately, Leon's communicator indicated that Hunnigan was calling. "Leon," she said, "I've got some bad news."

"Is there any good news that goes along with it?" Leon asked hopefully.

"No…" Hunnigan said looking exasperated. "We've lost contact with the chopper. Someone must have shot it down, but we can't say who."

"Wonderful…"

"We're prepping another chopper. In the meantime, I need you to head to the extraction point."

"Can do, hot momma."

"Idiot…" Hunnigan sighed, hanging up the communicator.

Leon, Ashley, and Katrina continued walking and as they reached the end of the bridge, groups of villagers surround them on both sides.

"What are we going to do, Leon?" Ashley said, fear rising in her voice.

"There!" Katrina shouted, pointing at a nearby cabin.

"Good plan," Leon mumbled, taking Ashley's hand and running towards the cabin.

As the trio entered the cabin, Leon tried to find something to bolt the door with.

"Leon," the familiar voice of Luis said, tossing a large block of wood to Leon, who uses it to barricade the door. "Small world, eh?" Glancing at Ashley's… Fun bags… His eyes widen slightly. "Wow… I see that the President's equipped his daughter with ballistics, too…"

"How rude!" Ashley shouted, obviously offended. "I don't believe there's any relevance with my figure and my standing. Who do you think you are, anyway?"

"Ho ho! Excuse me, your highness. Perhaps the young lady might want to introduce herself before asking someone his name?"

"Her name is Ashley Graham, the President's daughter!"

Turning to Leon and Katrina, who were busy pushing bookshelves in front of windows, Luis said, "Is she… You know?"

"Don't worry; she's cool," Leon said getting his handgun out.

"And I don't think **she's** got any cigs either," Katrina said grabbing her new TMP.

Hearing the villagers banging at the windows and door, Ashley gasped slightly. "Ash!" Katrina said, grabbing the frightened blond. "Get upstairs and find someplace to hide!" Ashley quickly obeyed and rushed up the stairs.

"Okay… It's game time!" Luis said, pulling out his Red9.

"Sweet gun, Luis," Katrina said, reloading her ammo before any of the villagers broke in.

"Thanks."

The first group of villagers came through a back window, Katrina held down the trigger of her gun and mowed them down. The second group came from a front window, Leon got them with his shotgun. And it basically continued in this fashion for a while. The sixth group, however, came through the door, and completely overpowered the trio. "Leon! Katrina! Let's get upstairs!" Luis said, shooting another villager.

"Right!" the pair said, rushing up the staircase. Leon threw a grenade at the villagers coming up the stairs. The familiar sound of glass breaking got Katrina's attention and as she spun around, she realized that the villagers had ladders and they were prepared to use them.

"Shit." Katrina ran to the broken window and pushed the ladder down. Another window shattered, and Katrina pushed another ladder over. Eventually all of the upstairs windows were broken and filled with ladders. Katrina kept doing her job of pushing them down while Leon and Luis took care of most of the shooting.

Eventually, the villagers called off their assault and evacuated the area of the cabin. "Well, that was easy," Katrina said, striking a pose.

"Yeah… It looks like their backing off…" Leon said looking out one of the windows.

"So, what's the plan?" Luis asked.

Ashley slowly walked down the stairs and looked around cautiously. "Well," she said, "The bridge that we crossed to get here is out, so I guess we have to keep going…"

"Actually… I just realized I forgot something… You three go on ahead; I'll catch up later."

"Luis…" Katrina mumbled, trying to jog her memory as the Spaniard ran out of the cabin. "C'mon; let's get out of here."

--- ---

Sorry about the shortness but… Nothing really happens in this chapter… (sweatdrop) Anyway… Next chapter's the showdown with Mendez! And after that… Well… Y'all get to see Katrina's fangirl-y side! (evil smirk)

As usual, feel free to review!

Peace Out!


	6. Chapter 2 dash 3

Huzzah! Fast update!

Chapter 2-3

Of Very Pissy Villagers, Terminators, Ut-Oh Oreos, and Creepy Castles

--- ---

"'Ello again strangahs!" Mercer shouted, causing Ashley to cower behind Leon.

"Hiya, Mercer…" Katrina said, rolling her eyes at Ashley's fear. "That's Ashley, by the way." She gestured to the sluttish blond. And I don't mean Leon.

"Glad to meet ya!" Mercer said sticking her hand out, causing Ashley to shriek a little.

"Oookay then! Got anything that might interest us?" Katrina quirked an eyebrow.

"A rifle! Care to buy one?" Mercer said, pulling said weapon out of her purple coat.

"Oooh…" Leon said, studying the gun. "Nice… I'll take it!"

Katrina gasped at one of the weapons. "Leon! Can we get one, please?" The gun that caught Katrina's eye, was a Rocket Launcher.

"What would we need one of those for? Come on!"

"I'll pay for it!"

"Okay, then, waste your money if you want… Actually, waste your money only if you're going to let me carry it; I don't trust you with heavy artillery."

"Fine…" With that transaction complete, the trio came upon a covered area with a lever.

"Thank God!" Ashley said, walking over to the lever.

"Don't get too excited, Ashley – it's not a dildo," Katrina said, walking up next to Ashley, with a coy smirk on her face.

"You know what," Ashley said, cueing the music '_We're Not Gonna Take It_' by Twisted Sister, "I'm not going to put up your bitchy comments this whole damn trip!"

"You wanna do something about it?"

"Bring it!"

"It's already been brought, ya ho!"

"Okay guys," Leon said breaking them up before they started actually fighting, "let's not do this. Which way do we want to go?"

Katrina closed her eyes, trying to remember something – anything that would help them. "Well… I think we should take the left road…" '_And maybe stuff little miss priss in a dumpster before she really starts to piss me off…_'

"Kay then; left it is!" Leon said pushing the lever to the left.

--- ---

"I am never letting you navigate for us again," Leon said, shooting another villager.

"You didn't have to listen, Leon!" Katrina fired back.

"Katrina! If you can't talk and shoot at the same time, don't bother talking!"

"Bastard…"

The sound of chainsaws starting rang through the pit where Katrina and Leon were currently fighting a small army of villagers. "Yeah… We definitely should have taken the other path."

"Don't get cute, wise-ass!" Katrina shouted, climbing one of the ladders out of the pit.

"I think you mean 'don't get wise, cute-ass'," Leon said, raising a suggestive eyebrow and aiming his shotgun at the two women wielding chainsaws.

"Leon, allow me to be perfectly frank," Katrina said, kicking one of the villagers' heads off, "the day that I tell you that you have a 'cute-ass' is the same day that I booty-dance with Mendez."

"So… Slim chance?"

Katrina just glared and fired her TMP at an approaching villager. "It's probably as slim as Ashley growing a brain."

"You know, Ashley really isn't all that bad." '_Nearly missed that time…_'

"So says the guy who's been hitting on our support agent this whole time; ironically enough, Ashley's got big boobs, a big butt, and is wearing a short skirt. Coincidence?"

"Ashley's butt isn't that big compared to yours…" '_One down one to go…_'

"What in fuck's name does that mean!"

"It means that you have a very nice ass. I'm giving you a complement, damn it!"

"Then why did it almost make me throw up?" '_Take that! Ha, ha!_'

"What do you mean?"

"You're seven years older than me, Leon. New flash, it's illegal."

"I'm not hitting on you!"

"Oh! So you think I'm ugly now?" '_And another one bites the dust!_'

"What do you – This is why I hate women! They jump to con-fucking-clusions!"

"Kidding, much…"

"Yeah, okay then." '_All right! The other creepy chainsaw-chick is down for the count!_'

"Chill, Leon… Every once in a while I like to joke around with my friends… Maybe I'm just weird that way, then?"

"Chill? Chill! How in the hell am I supposed to chill right now? There's a crazy man injecting us with shit, a village that seems to hate us, and the village chief doesn't seem to be too keen on us being here either!" 'Last one.'

Katrina rolled her eyes as she dusted her jeans off. She smirked slightly as she said, "We got into this mess; we can get out of it."

--- ---

"Well lookie here, guys! Apparently these people have technology and shit!" Katrina said, gesturing to a gondola system spanning across a gorge.

"Ladies first," Leon mumbled, grabbing one of the lifts, stopping it momentarily. Katrina and Ashley got on it, and Leon jumped on shortly after.

"Well, this should be a nice, restful – " Ashley said, cutting off her remark with a scream as a villager brandishing an axe jumped on their lift.

Katrina sighed and fired a few shots at him, causing him to fall into the chasm below. "This is going to be a long ride…"

--- ---

"You ready, Kat?" Leon said, stopping outside a large barn.

"Ready as I'll ever be… You really think he's in here?"

"He's got to be. Besides, there's no way that we can get through that big door without a little bit of… Help." Leon smirked and pointed at one of his eyes.

"Good point… Ashley."

"What?" the blond sharply responded.

"Stay out here. And hide!"

"Got it." Ashley ran off to hide behind a group of barrels.

--- ---

Leon and Katrina entered the barn, revealing it to be empty. Katrina opened her mouth to say something, but was abruptly stopped as she and Leon were knocked to the ground by one of Mendez's gigantic hands. The giant turned around and proceeded to twist the steel door-handles into pretty origami. Before Mendez could grab the pair for another choke-fest, they rolled out of the way. Leon (being the smart little boy that he is) kicked over a barrel filled with oil, making the fuel surround Mendez's feet. "Hasta la vista, baby," Leon said, aiming his gun at Mendez.

'_Great… He's fucking quoting The Terminator now…_'

Leon fired into the oil, causing the gas to catch fire and engulf Mendez. The oil drum exploded, making the barn catch on fire. Despite the explosion and the fire, Mendez was still alive. With a crunchy, crackly sound, Mendez's spine grew causing his torso and lower body to separate. His fingernails turned into sharp, black claws and a pair of insect-like appendages sprang out of his back. "Disturbingly enough," Katrina said to a very wide-eyed Leon, "that kinda turned me on."

"Over-share!" Leon screeched, grabbing the Rocket Launcher and aiming it at Mendez. But before Our Hero© could blow Mendez's 7 foot tall body to pieces, he was grabbed by one of the giant's new appendages with a cry of pain. Katrina could swear that she heard something crack… But no time for that now!

She grabbed the Rocket Launcher that Leon dropped and made her aim right at Mendez's head. "Leon, you might want to duck!" Leon did as he was told but also said a little prayer to himself: '_Dear Lord, please do not let the girl with the fat ass shoot me. Amen._' In the few milliseconds between the time when Katrina fired the Rocket Launcher and he was blow to bits with it, Mendez realized that he probably shouldn't have listened to Saddler because, well, the bastard was probably senile anyway.

"Yes! Katrina! You did it! And without killing me!" Leon said, freeing himself from the dead-body's grip.

"Hellz yeah! I so totally smoked dat guy! I popped a cap in his cracka ass! For rizzle my nizzle! Ya know what I'm sayin?"

"No, actually… When the hell did you get… Ghetto?"

"Don't judge me! I'm like an Ut-Oh Oreo!"

"Ut-Oh Oreo?"

"Yeah… White on the outside… But black on the inside!"

"Whatever you say, white-girl…"

"Make sure you grab Bitores's eye, Leon!" Katrina said in her sweetest voice.

"Okay! You bitch…" Leon mumbled. With Mendez's fake eye now in their possession, they could leave.

"Leon! Are you okay?" Ashley said, popping out from behind her barrels as the pair walked outside.

"Bad question," Leon said, pushing on one of his ribs slightly. As the trio approached the large doors blocking their route, Leon grabbed the fake eye from one of his pockets. He held it up to a thin beam of red light coming out of the door, causing it to open. "Let's go!"

--- ---

"Shit!" Katrina shouted, pointing at an oncoming truck. "Leon! Shoot it! Shoot it!"

"Fuck that! We're running past!" Leon said, grabbing Ashley's hand.

"What?" the blond girl squeaked.

Katrina raced after Leon and Ashley as they ran across a wooden drawbridge leading into a castle. They closed the drawbridge off to the villagers as Katrina caught her breath. '_Why does this place seem so… Familiar? At least I feel a little bit safer here than in that village… But why? I mean… This place is probably crawling with just as many crazy cultists… Whatever! I'm not going to think about it too much; I'll probably drive myself insane…_' With her thoughts behind her, Katrina followed Ashley and Leon into the castle.

--- ---

Y HULO THAR!

Anyway… If you're wondering about all the 'fat ass' comments throughout this chapter, someone told me that I had a fat ass today so I've been sort of running with it.

Also, for what it's worth, yes I can actually speak Ebonics and I'm rather proud of that. If I wasn't skinny white jail-bait, I could definitely make it in the ghetto. As far as the Ut-Oh Oreo goes, a friend of mine always says that so I "borrowed" it from her.

As usual, review and such, because I love you guys. Seriously.

Peace Out!


	7. Chapter 3 dash 1

Sorry this one took a while; I've been busy over the past few weeks/months. That and I went on vacation. Also, my muse decided to take an extended coffee break so I was left on my own for the majority of this chapter. Anyway, I won't bore you with excuses and things so I'll move onto the other thing that I wanted to talk about: Leon. Okay, to all the people who are e-mailing me saying that I'm becoming Mary-Sue-ish: get bent. To the people who are actually being polite and leaving me reviews that are insult free: honestly, I act that way around every guy I've come across. What can I say; I'm a total flirt! I flirt with people that I have no interest in what so ever. People that I do actually have an interest in, get to see me acting like a total dork and occasionally making perverted jokes! Yay! I'd go into more detail on when my flirting is actually flirting, but you guys should be able to figure it out by the end of this chapter because guess who's now entering my beloved parody? Oh, yeah. This is going to be fun!

Chapter 3-1 (Part One)

Hey There, Sexy

--- ---

"Good going cock-fag," Hunnigan said rolling her eyes. Apparently, the 'Three Musketeers' decided to hide out in a castle, and it sort of backfired. The crazed cultists that ran the village also seem to rule the castle. In all blunt honesty, Hunnigan wished she had listened to her mother and became a stripper because she was very, very tired of listening to some guy that she's never seen in person hitting on her. Luckily, it was going to be over in another several hours – all Leon needed to do was get Ms. Graham and the other girl to castle gardens and wait for the helicopter to pick the three of them up. Nothing could possibly go wrong. "Okay, what I need you to do is – " Static. _Oh no!_ Switch to another channel. More static. _Is nothing ever simple anymore?_

--- ---

"Son of a bitch!" Leon screamed as he realized that Hunnigan's signal was static and until it was fixed, there was nothing that he could do.

"Just our luck…" Katrina mumbled before walking forward. "The only thing that would make this situation worse is if Ashley got the hots for one of the villagers or something."

"Hey! You know what?" Ashley said, flaring at Katrina's comment. "How do you know that **you** won't end up thinking that one of these creeps is sexy?"

"The fact that I have taste and don't fuck everything that moves, that's how!"

"Both of you!" Leon said, wishing that Claire was here to defuse the many arguments between the two. "Stop it! If you don't start getting along, I'll leave you both behind to fend for yourselves!" Katrina and Ashley glared at eachother, but at least they weren't shouting anymore.

--- ---

"How did I know that this was going to happen?" Katrina mumbled, using an herb that she had found to treat a burn on her left arm. It didn't completely vanish, like when she used First Aid Spray, but it would be fine for now.

"Do you ever do anything other than complain?" Ashley snapped, sticking her leg in Leon's face so he could use the spray to heal her burn.

"Why can't we just be friends?" Leon said with a sigh. The trio just dodged a group of monks firing, well… Fireballs out of a catapult. And quite frankly, they were all a little on-edge because of it. Now, however, they had a way to get into the inside of the castle and find a place where they could wait for Hunnigan to call them back.

"Hey guys! What's going on?" a familiar voice said from behind them.

"Luis!" Katrina said, turning around to face the Spaniard.

"I've got something for you guys," he mumbled searching through his pockets. Obviously finding nothing, he cursed. "Shit! I must have dropped it running away from them."

"Dropped what?" Ashley said, raising a blond eyebrow.

"A drug that'll stop your convulsions. I know you three are carriers. Have you been coughing up blood yet?"

Leon's eyes darted around, he answered after a pause. "Yeah."

"Me too…" Katrina said turning to Ashley.

"And you?" Sera said glancing at Ashley… Or rather, Ashley's ballistics.

"My face is up here! And yes," Ashley said, her face a bright scarlet.

"Damn it! That means the eggs have hatched… We don't have much time. I need to go back and get it."

"What are you talking about?" Leon asked.

As Luis started to walk away, Katrina shouted after him. "Wait! Luis, let me come with you. These two'll be fine for a little bit."

"No, you stay with Leon. He's better with the ladies, I'm sure."

"Why are you –" Leon asked, being promptly cut off by Luis.

"It makes me feel better; let's just leave it at that." Katrina couldn't help but feel that Luis was hiding something as she watched him run back towards the village.

--- ---

Katrina was a relatively proud person. She was proud that she never blushed. She was proud that she was a fairly good writer. She was proud that she didn't fail her physics class. And she was proud that she only squealed twice during Spider-Man 2. However, despite her pride, she could no longer say that she never blushed.

She, Leon, and Ashley stood in a large and elaborate entrance hall and after a few seconds, they heard a pseudo-familiar laugh that caused them to look up onto a balcony-type thing. And on said thing, stood a short pale man dressed in blue and gold attire flanked by a pair of robed guards.

Somehow, someway this guy caused an unfamiliar burning sensation behind her face and Leon (who, sadly, had yet to receive a visit from the 'Tact-Fairy') used the opportunity to look over at Katrina and bluntly said, "Why're you blushing?"

"Blush…Ing?" The shock of her apparent blush made her eyes wide and caused a rather stupid look to cross her face.

"Yes, blushing. It's what most people do when they're embarrassed or something!"

"Oh…" She turned her head back over to the man. _Why does this guy seem so familiar? And **why** is he making me blush, damn it!_

"I was starting to wonder when you would notice us," the man said with a sneer.

"Who – " Leon started, sounding angry.

"Are you?" Katrina finished, her voice softer and more genuinely confused than the agent's.

"Me llamo Ramon Salazar, the eighth Castellan of this magnificent architecture. I have been honored with the prestigious power from the great Lord Saddler. I've been expecting you, my brethrens."

"Expecting us…?" Katrina's blush deepened slightly.

Leon rolled his eyes at Katrina then gave a slight scoff as he mumbled, "No thanks bro."

"My, my, we've got a feisty one." A deeper blush from Katrina. "If you care for your own well-being, I suggest you surrender yourself and simply...become our hostage. Or, Mr. Scott, you can give us the girl, since you're not worth a penny, I'm afraid. You can die."

"Wait," Leon said glancing over at his two female travel partners, "which girl?" He dragged Katrina so she was standing in front of him, Leon clutching her shoulders tightly, a bright scarlet blush on her face. "If you want me to hand this one over, I'd do so happily. She's great; you'll love her!"

"Leon!" came the undignified squeak/squeal out of Katrina's mouth while trying to make Leon let go of her shoulders.

"As wonderful as that would be," Salazar said, staring at Katrina, making her very interested in a speck of dirt on the floor, "I need the blond one. If you want to hand them both over I'm fine with that as well." With that, the castellan turned and left, followed by his two bodyguards.

As Leon released his grip on Katrina, her eyes rolled back in her head, and she fell to the floor, all while the world was spinning and slowly turning black.

--- ---

"…Kat…" A slow moving voice spoke. It sounded almost like it was from another realm of existence. "…Katrina… Awake…? Going… Fine… Ash… Ley… Help…" The familiar feeling of icy water made Katrina bolt up right. Ashley was holding a wooden bucket, which was dripping some water on the floor, and Leon was kneeling next to her, looking worried.

"What? Haven't you ever seen someone faint before?"

"Alright Katrina!" Ashley shouted, slight frown on her face, matching with the volume of her voice. "Cut the crap! What do you know?"

"Know? More like 'remember', if you ask me…" Katrina mumbled staring off into space.

"Please, Katrina…" Leon said, "We need to know what to look out for…"

Katrina wrinkled her nose trying to remember what happens next. She couldn't get a single memory, only several quick flashes of things. "A knight… An alien… Dogs – make that wolves, actually… A garden… A ceiling… Grails… A knife… Terrorism… A ritual… And a woman in red… Sorry, I can't remember things well enough to get a real memory of them. They're just fleeting images…"

'_A woman in red…? It couldn't be… Could it?'_

"So much for having taste, eh Katrina?" Ashley said a sneer on her face.

"What's that supposed to mean, ho!"

"Puh-lease! I've been around enough men and women in my life to know how they interact. And, normally, when a girl, talking to a guy, blushes, she wants him baaaaaaaaaad!"

"I swear to God, Ashley, if you don't shut your mouth, I'll shut you in the fucking face!" Katrina knew she was over-reacting by cocking her handgun but it made her feel better, and that's all that really mattered right now.

"Katrina, chill out. Ashley, considering that she fainted, she probably just has a fever or something; I don't think that was a blush," Leon said trying to quell the fighting.

"Yeah! I was sick before I even came to this hellhole! Now, I'm probably on the verge of death or something!" A worthless and complete lie, but it was a good cover, nonetheless.

Ashley couldn't think of a comeback to that, so she just shrugged her shoulders and after Leon and Katrina had started walking further into the castle, she couldn't help but mumble, "Eventually, you're going to regret denying this Katrina. It's only a matter of time…" before following a few paces behind them.

--- ---

Sorry. I know that it's not the end of chapter 3-1, but writer's block is such a bitch and rather than making you guys wait longer, I figured it would be better for me to divide it up into two parts. Besides, this already fills five pages so it's a good place to stop. Anyway, you know the deal, review and all that and hopefully, the second part of 3-1 will be on the way soon enough. I swear I'll make the next update faster.

Peace Out!


End file.
